My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
