I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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