Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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