You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
