If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
