My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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