I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
