Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
