I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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