do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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