I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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