He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
