You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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