I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
