I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
