apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
