You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
