Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
