Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
