just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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