Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
