3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
