life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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