They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
