where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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