Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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