god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
