M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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