I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
