he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
