I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
