First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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