her vagine was all disorganized.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
