i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
