I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
