My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
