So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
