i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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