Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
so let's talk penis.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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