Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
