I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
