I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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