Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
