I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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