do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
