Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
