Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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