Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
