youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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