This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
