So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
