I've blown a few things in my day
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
