I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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