once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
