Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Randomize
